Fuzzy Coffee

I.
I think it was October
October 2018
I could look it up if I scroll through all of our messages.
But I don’t dare look there
see the people we were then
can’t remember if you ever sent me a voice message
I don’t know what your voice sounds like anymore

II.
Let’s say it was October,
When I asked you on a walk, and you said yes, and I was surprised.
We walked through the centre of Moscow
от Кропоткинской до Тверской
you were complaining that you can’t see a single trash can – weird for such a big city
I was too embarrassed to let you hear me sing out of tune
you were not
you sang Курьер by Дайте Танк
the delivery person getting burned for nothing

III.
And I think it was next July,
we talked, and saw that there was no line between the fog and the lake – no horizon line, just
a vast mystery of grayish blue
I think you wanted to walk there

IV.
I think it was December,

when I met your brother
you were talking about coffee again
orange berry caramel note
dark coffee you found so sweet
sweeter than the world

V.
I think it was that first Fall,
when we went to a thrift store
a dream for any weird kid
your hand in mine was so warm
protective
protected
you said “everyone thinks we are dating. what a trick we played!”

VI.
It was Fall, Winter, Spring
you would ask me to come to Starbucks
15 minutes away from my place
you’d get me a cup of warm vegan milk with syrup
I could never like the taste and anxiety of black coffee

VII.
I know it was June 2020
it was the day before my birthday
My last chance to touch your hair
boop your nose
hold your hand
I didn’t know

I can never stop hearing the “what if”s in my head

VIII.
I know it was still June
I can tell you every detail
Google Photos thoughtfully sends a reminder
remember that day?
I remember
the Crimean sun on my skin
the smell of absinth plants
and the sea
and the rocks warmed by the sun
salty taste on my lips
the best tiredness after swimming against the waves
pebbles being very hard to walk on
dog barking excitedly
the purples and blues of the sunset

IX.
I knew before I opened the notification
4 hours of night summer air
fully dry, but really hurting eyes
someone else’s screams and why’s
suffocating rocks

X.
I don’t know what day it was.
I yelled your real name, hurting my lungs
I gave you one last boop on the nose

And you skin felt like rubber

XI.
I got the courage to walk into Lush this winter
I want to buy the perfume that you had.
The ring that was always on my finger, even after changing colours three times
broke a couple months ago
I saved everything you ever gave me
but not your voice

TRANSPHOBIA KILLS

Ro Vilvovskaya, they/them.